From Transylvania with love
by Hyr'Ayl
Summary: Have you ever wanted to see James Bond turned into a vampire? A game of poker between 007 and the Dandyman? Seras as a Bond girl? Alucard fighting Blofeld and Dr No? Integra and the Major in love? This is the fiction for you! AxM, SxJB, RxLV and more!
1. You know his name

**This is a crossover between Hellsing and James Bond.**

**I haven't read Fleiming's books, so i base my work on the movies- and on a big deal of imagination. Don't flame about the cahnges of the plots, i just adapted everything at my need. You'll find alive a lot of characters who are supposed to be dead. I have altered both plots to make everything work.**

**I have decided to insert in the next chapters a romance between two certain characters, which is dedicated to my fellow writer Hana Bakemono... you guess what pair is!  
**

"Sir, your cab has arrived."

"Very good. Thank you." The man in the suit dropped a conspicuous tip in the baggage boy's hand, then walked out of the hotel's glass doors.

"Where are we going, mister?" asked the taxi driver as the man went in. His baggage had already been stuffed in the cab's luggage van, but he was still holding a small metallic briefcase, tied to his right wrist with an handcuff.

"Take me to the airport."

The cab slowly started to move, quickly taking speed.

"This is not the road to the airport."  
"I'm taking a short cut mister, makes you spare a some money."

The man in the suit looked at the rear-view mirror. The driver was taking something from his pocket... a gun.

The man in the suit threw the briefcase above on the man's head, hitting him; Then he grabbed the briefcase with his left hand and used the chain as a strangle wire, holding him tight to his seat.

The driver choked and fell, motionless. The man held the wheel with a single hand, leaning against the seat, while with the other he took the gun. The dead one's feet was stuck on the throttle.

"What a waste of effort!" a voice resonated from the cab's radio.

A laser pointer appeared on the man's suit. He quickly turned around and shot a sniper on a nearby balcony. While he struggled to keep the car on the road, he shot another assassin aiming at him.

Another pointer appeared on his chest, just above his heart. He aimed the gun and heard the clink on the empty magazine.

Maniacal laughter echoed as a bullet pierced his skin and reached his heart.

He had a confused vision of a man in a wheelchair holding a rifle, on the rooftops.

Then he fell. "Farewell, agent Bond!" he heard, among the laughter.

**FROM TRANSYLVANIA WITH LOVE**

Integra grabbed the phone as soon as it started ringing. She knew who was calling.

"Hellsing Organization." she said in the phone.

"Nice to ear you, Sir Hellsing" answered the Queen. "I think you've been informed of the newest situation."

"Yes your majesty, although i haven't received details yet."

"You will have them soon, i've already spoken with Agent M. You will be briefed soon."

"Very well."

"I also wanted to congratulate for your solving of the Ghoul Boy Scouts case. I've just been informed, it's been a most effective action."

Integra bit her lip. She had made up the whole ghoul boy scout matter to cover the massacre which followed Seras' great idea of taking her master mushrooming. Thinking of which, the two of them had not been punished enough yet.

"I... it... we could've done better on that case."

"Don't be too modest."

"I assure your Majesty, i'm not."

"As you wish. Anyway, this new case will take all of your skill. Tell your agents to prepare."

"At once, majesty."

"WALTER!"

The butler materialized on the door immediately, like he was waiting right behind it.

"You called, Sir Integra?"

"So it seems. Go and call Alucard and Seras."

Seras walked in the office after a few minutes, staggering half asleep. Her turns had been doubled after the mushroom incident, but that was even a mild punishment, compared to her master's.

A little, red eyed girl in a housemaid outfit entered the room, holding a feather duster. Her expression was the most discomforted possible.

"Here i am Master."

"Very well Alucard. How are you enjoying your punishment?"  
He sighed.

"I am pleased. Now, there's a matter of utmost importance we have to attend to."

"A mission?" Alucard's red eyes glittered of joy.

"A mission. It seems Millennium has gotten involved with another dangerous evil organization."

"Oh really? What kind of and organization?"

"I don't know. I only know it's called...

"SPECTRE. This is the name of my organization." Before the Major a man in a wheelchair was caressing a white persian cat. "I am confident i could help you accomplishing our... common purposes."

"Ja, i am most trustful about your skills. Although... your efforts in zhe Cold Var... are not zhe best references for me."

"My results haven't been the best, but..."

The Major rose his hand. "Zath's not vhat i'm speaking about. I mean zhere's no point in a war fought vizhout battles, so... cold. I like real vars, vhere thousands are murdered in pitched battles, vhere planes fight high above zhe skies and zhe sea is full of varships..."

"Oh no, he's beginning again!" whispered Schrö in Zorin's ear.

"Vhy must he start a speech efery time he opens his mouth?"

"He's gonna bore zhat man to death."  
"Really. But von't interrupt him. Try to resist."

" Zoooooooooooooooooooooorin..."

"Vhat?"

"I'm bored!"

Would Rip have been there Zorin'd have just told him to torment her instead, but she was on mission.

"Can't you find somezhing to do?"

"Like vhat?"

"Like... i dunno... couldn't you... hmmm..."

Schrö felt something rubbing his leg. The white cat was meowing at him.

"Oooh! A blue blooded cat! I had nefer met one!"

The cat and the cat boy started to converse in meows. Zorin looked at her watch, five minutes had passed. Knowing the major, the least would've been another quarter of hour of ravings.

_I wonder what is Rip doing right now, _she thought.

"I mean, bro, we just can't stand here the whole day! When was the appointment supposed to be?"

"Exactly now Jan. I know it's a new sensation for you, but we got here early."

"What? You make me haste and everything and now we're fucking _early_?"

"I made you haste because you always waste hours preparing!"

"What?! _I_ waste hours? I mean, i got washed, dressed and had breakfast in the time you took to dry your hair!"

"Listen, we're here. We've waited for barely two minutes. You could have a bit of patience."

They were in a crowded square, people walking all around.

"And who's this guy we're gonna meet anyway? I mean our contact..."

"Have you at least read your copy of the instructions?"

"You mean that papers you gave me yesterday?"

"Exactly."

"I had planned to, then... i was opening a beer... and i had shaken it a bit, so..."

"I get it. Anyway, _we_'re supposed to be the contacts and it's not a guy the agent we have to meet."

"What, they sent us a chick? Do you have a picture?"

"No, here's the description."

Jan grabbed the paper.

_Tall, black hair, wearing glasses and a suit. Blue eyes. Thin physique, pale complexion, with freckles on her cheeks. She'll carry red lily to be recognized. _

"I mean, is that supposed to be fucking clear?"

"Well, that's enough to recognize her, i guess."

"You kidding? It misses basic informations!"

"Like what?"

"Like the size of her boobs, and..."

"Jan, shut up!"  
"Okay, okay, now, let's see if she's around here."

"There she is. Fits perfectly the descriptions."

"Luke, that one is a dude."

"Are you blind or what? Can't you even recognize a girl?"

"Come on, flat breast, a man's outfit..."

"Did you read the part where it said she would've worn a suit?"  
"No, the thing had already bored me at that point."

"Okay. Now, for the good of everyone, let me speak. You don't even know the password."  
"What, is it something like 'open sesame' or..."

"Shut up!"

They approached the girl, who was looking around disoriented.

"Excuse me miss, might i have seen you in my dreams?"

"Uh? Vhat? Ah, Ja, just... hm..." she looked at her hand, reading on it. "Hm. 'Only in your vorse nightmares.' are you the contacts?"

"Yes, we're the Valentine brothers, i'm Luke and this is Jan." Luke shook her hand and Jan waved his own.

"So... i'm Obersturmführer Rip Van Winkle. I vas sent to take part in Millennium operations here."

"Well. I'm... very glad of having you in the team. I... hem..."

"Don't mind him" said Jan "Ha can never speak to girls."

"Jan!"

"What!? It's true! You always get so..."

"Jan, please, can we discuss this later?"

"Okay, okay, i was just... trying to help."

Rip felt terribly out of place and wondered what was Zorin doing.

_Only five minutes left. Resist Zorin. You can do it._

"Okay, so let me speak Jan, agreed?"

"Right."

"So... well. We have instructions to... host you in our home."

"I... i hope i'm not causing any inconvenience..."

"No, we have a guest room, right Jan?"

"Yeah, but we should clean it a bit before. I mean, we've been piling up stuff there for ages."

"Jan, yesterday i asked _you _to tidy it up."

"What? When?"

"While you were watching TV!"

"I mean, there was a football match! I'm insulated during football matches! You know i can't hear anything!"

"I can alvays find an hotel, if..."

"No. We'll arrange something. What about if i show you a bit of the city while Jan goes to clean the house?"

"Why me? Couldn't i take the girl and..."

Luke stared in his brother's eyes with a determination he rarely shown.

"Okay, right, i'm going. Have fun."

"And make sure to put away all those pin-ups." Luke whispered.

"Come on, you like them too."

"Jan! Just make them disappear!"

"Okay, okay, right. See ya later!"

"So what are we supposed to do with this?" asked Alucard, still in his girlish shape.

"This man is an agent of the MI6. Secret services. He's their top agent."

"And he's dead."

"Not yet. He was critically wounded, he's dying and unconscious"

"Quite a top agent, a shot is enough to take him out."  
"Alucard, do you understand what is your task here?"

"No. What?"

"What did you do when Seras was in his same condition?"

"You forget one thing. It only works with the opposite sex. And on virgins."

"But you are currently female, aren't you?"

The vampire looked down at his body and sighed again.

"I have discussed with Walter already. We have deduced that you, after all, are actually male, and since our agent was not homosexual, he'll count as virgin."

"If you say so... this is going to be humiliating anyway."

"Alucard, you've just spent a week cleaning the mansion in the shape of a young girl, between the jokes of the mercenaries. Draining this guy is much less humiliating."

"Its' just... that i... oh well. Let's do it."  
The girl climbed on the table the body was lying upon and started sucking from the neck. He was definitely enjoying the meal. Integra's instinct was telling her to stop him, but this time he had to go on until the end.

"Finished." she affirmed proud when she rose with a blood stained mouth. Integra took her handkerchief and cleaned with a somehow motherly attitude.

"So are you sure he'll become a vampire, Master?"

"Almost. Let's just wait."

The agent opened his eyes.

"Where am i?"

"In an English secret services secret base" answered Integra.

"How's this guy called anyway?" asked Alucard.

After half an hour of non-stop speaking the Major realized he was surrounded by sleeping people. The only two who were wake were playing with a ball of wool and purring.

"Vhat has happened here?"

No answer came for a long, long time.


	2. The Vampire with a Golden Gun

**Befor beginning with the chapter, a small note about characters from JB.... My M is inspired to Judi Demich (the one in Brosnan and Craig movies), Q is inspired to Desmond Llewelyn (Q in From Russia With Love through The World Is Not Enough). Bond is a riff-raff of all Bonds, except Daniel Craig.... don't flame at me if you like him, it's just that he made the character more human- and this doesn't go well with Hellsing.  
**

_-London, secret location, 1999-_

M and Integra were sitting behind the new two-seated desk of the combined office, newly crated to coordinate both MI6 and Hellsing. They were trying to brief the administrative section of the agencies, including Walter, Moneypenny and Q, about the what they had discovered.

The situation was critical.

"I have..." started Integra.

"_We _have, if you don't mind." corrected M.

"Right. We have alerted all of our informers for this unexpected return of Mr. Blefold."

"Blofeld. And by the way, she's referring to all MI6 informers."

"Of course, since Hellsing is generally an internal agency."

"I was just remarking. Anyway, we have discovered a few strange transaction which resemble the style of the SPECTRE."

"Transaction of gold, silver and weaponry."

"Needless to say, they are preparing for something big, hence the need for precious and weapons."

"We believe silver, in this case, is to be considered within the latter category- they are preparing anti-vampire weapons."

"This is your theory, Hellsing."

"If you are going to work with us, you'll have to accept these theories. It's not been us who needed you in the first place."

"It seems you do now; if i'm not mistaken, you'd have never found their hideouts on your own."

"Speaking of which, we have tracked three possible locations. The first is in Austria, in a small village called Gries. The second, in the Bahamas, in a region which, to Alucard's joy, is called Anderson..."

"And the third area comprehends both the north of the island of Sapporo, Japan, and a nearby Russian island- we think there might a base in the sea between."

"Her majesty has ordered me..."

"...ordered _us..._"

"...to send Alucard, Seras and agent Bond together so that they might learn from each other...."

"...to take the best from both agencies' methods."

"Of course, the leader of the mission is going to be Alucard. He's the most experienced."

"What? Bond has saved the world many more times than your vampire!"

"But, until prove of the contrary, Alucard has many more years of experience, since he's been active for more than a century as an agent."

"I had been informed he spent most of the time as a sleeping cell, here in London."

"That's not the point. He's also the eldest and more powerful of the three..."

"Of the _world."_ said Alucard, who had been allowed to return to his usual form and was testing his retrieved powers by phasing into the office.

"Exactly." Answered Integra to him "Therefore, he should..."

"If that's a megalomania contest, i assure you, Bond will win it." M said

"Alucard, please, leave the room. We are discussing important matters."

"It seems more to me that you're jealous because you're no longer the only boss."

"Alucard, out of here!"

"As you wish my master. And miss M...."

"Yes?"

"I will lead them, you wish it or not."

_-London, Not-So-Secret location, meanwhile-_

"Is she still in the bathroom?"

"Yeah, Jan, what's wrong with that?"

"I mean, it's been a hour now!"

"She's probably taking a bath. Does the word sound familiar?"

"Wait, i check on the dictionary" he pretended to riffle through a book. "Here, it says: bath=thing that Luke does instead of showering to waste a lot of time and make me wet myself on the bathroom's door."

"Very funny. In case you forgot, we're vampires now, so you can't wet yourself any more."

"I might have other things to do in the bathroom."

"Like what?"

"Come on, make a little effort of imagination." Jan pointed at a pile of Playboy.

"Ugh. I shouldn't have asked."

"No you shouldn't. So now, must i bash that door or what?"

"Now you must put those magazines somewhere so that she won't see them."

"Ehm... speaking of which..."

"What?"

"You know, when yesterday you asked me to take off all pin-ups and magazines, and hide them..."

"What have you done this time?"

"Well, i put them in _my _room. Only that now my room is _her _room."

"Damn you! You could've told me!"

"I tried, but you were all so fucking chivalrousyesterday and you wouldn't let me speak!"

"I hope she has note seen them. Let's go and take them away."

"And where do we put them this time?"

"I don't know where, for now under the guest room bed."

"Like it's not enough uncomfortable as it is."

Rip was relaxing in the bathtub, closed eyes, humming a song she didn't remember the title. Se was thinking about her first day in England. It had been good, more of a vacation than a mission. Like had been so gentle all the time.. although Jan was right, he _really _couldn't speak to girls. And Rip couldn't speak to bys, so they were mostly trying to do some casual conversation and completely failing... but at least they had something in common. They had done a bit of sightseeing, typical tourist stuff, and visited a couple of museums.

When they returned home, Jan and Luke started arguing on everything- they were fun, they reminded Rip of her little sister... they had not seen each other for a while....

She heard some thumping on the door. How long had she been in the bath?

"I come out in a minute!"

She pulled herself out of the bathtub, spreading froth all over the floor. Her bathrobe was on a stool, leaning on the flooded floor.

_Oops. I'd better clean this mess later, _she thought.

"Luke, you're the bathing expert. Is it normal there's a river flowing under the door?"

"No... well, she must have... hm...."

"She's wasting our water, flooding our house and you can't say anything?"

"First, we never paid for water in the first place. Second, what should i do anyway?"

"Bash the door!"

"Don't you think we could knock, first?"

"Well go on and knock, don't just stand there!"

Luke was about to knock again, when the door opened on his face.

"Oh... sorry... i didn't mean to..."

"No problem..." said Luke, trying to patch his bleeding nose.

Rip was wearing her black bathrobe, her wet hair was dripping on the floor, which was at that point a regular swamp."It's just... that i can't control vampiric strength very vell... but.."

"Really, no problem...."

Jan was laughing madly.

"Shut up Jan. And fetch a mop, we must clean this...."

"No, i made it, i vill clean it...."

"No way.... we can't let our guest do all the job...."

"We can Luke, we really can."

"Oh well... at least get dressed, then we'll tidy up."  
"Ja. Ok."

Rip closed herself in the bedroom.

"This is another reason why she shouldn't be in my room."

"What?"

"I have made a hole in the guest room door large enough to look through. If she was there..."

"Jan, how many times did i say you're a pervert?"  
"Today? Five."

"Let's say six. And didn't you think she was a guy at first?"

"Yeah, but since it's free, i take what there's."

"Jan, you're a pervert."

"And it's seven. We're going for the record."

"Sooner or later, she's going to hear us and then we'll be in trouble."  
"Why? Girls like men who know what they want."  
"The point is that what you want is to rape people."

"What's wrong with that? We're bad-ass assassins, it's professional to rape people."

"Theoretically we were owners of a club."  
"It's not my fault if that hygiene inspector wanted to snoop around."

"It's your fault if you tried to poison him!"

"How could i know he was so dumb? The average hygiene inspector doesn't misunderstand poisoning attempts with bad quality of food!"

"Ehm.... how do i look?"

Rip was wearing a "i London" t-shirt and a long, purple skirt. For no apparent reason she was holding an umbrella. Her hair was still wet, but at least it didn't drip any more.

"Nice..." said Jan, attempting not to laugh.

"You... you look very different." said Luke.

"Thank you. Now, i really need something to drink." she pulled a knife out of nowhere. "Any volunteers?"

"_Agents Alucard, Bond and Victoria report in briefing room immediately. I repeat, Bond,Alucard and Victoria report in briefing room immediately."_

"Why must i be called always last?"

"Because we're the professionals, police girl. And you're... just a police girl."

"Yes, Master... but he's been a vampire for less time than me!"

"He seems more willing to learn, though. I bet he's going to drink before you."

"Master.... but that's not...."

"You can be my favourite fledgeling... but you must drink before him. Will you, police girl?"

"I... well... i'll try."

"Good. Now, since you still can't phase, i'd suggest you to hurry."

"Welcome Agents." started Integra. Beside her sat Walter and Q. "We have scheduled a little training session before the mission starts. You will be shown our newest... devices."

"We have joined our experiences to match the MI6 gadgets with Hellsing arms." said Walter.

"So we can begin." Integra hit a button on the desk and a section of the wall slit down opening a wide weapon racket, filled with various instruments. Walter took up a small gun.

"This is the ordinance handgun for the mission. It shoots alternatively sliver blessed shells, phosphorus or poisoned cyanide bullets. It has a silencer and at the occurrence" he pulled a little lever "...it can be reduced to the size of a cigarette packet."

"You mean _I _am going to use that too, Master? Won't my guns do?"

"No, Alucard. Your guns are too indiscreet. We need secrecy."

"What is the range?" asked Bond.

"A kilometre. Trustworthy until seven hundred metres."

"Enough for me." he tried to open and close a couple of times, then handed it to Seras. "Ladies first." Seras blushed and put the reduced gun in her pocket.

"The second is the newest updated version of your watch, Bond." said Q "improved to be used by vampires. It works as a radar to detect living, undead and robotic entities, can shape shift and phase perfectly, and has a special function to electrocute with a retractile prod. Just turn the strap clockwise twice. It also can detect the presence of blessed items and disrupt magical barriers. To complete the specifics, it is safe to be used between a hundred-fifty and four hundred Kelvin degrees and in condition of extreme pressure."

Bond took one of the watches and tried the functions.

"I know you'll never return it in one piece, Bond, but at least, wait until the mission starts before destroying it."

"Don't you always suggest me to try things in advance?"

"I always suggest prudence as well, but you have never used it."

"If we could move on..."

"Right. This apparent cigarette lighter is a quantum field disruptor- it is supposed to prevent teleportation near the agent."

"What does 'is supposed' mean? Does it actually work?"

"We haven't managed to test it yet. You will try them on the field. Now, Seras, take this. It's your Harkonnen"

"Ehm.... no offence Walter... but this is a briefcase."

"Pull the lever on the handle."

The briefcase opened on the side and the huge barrel of the Harkonnen emerged."

"This should allow you to carry it rather secretly."

"I have worked quite a lot on the last item" said Q "But it's ready. It's a decayer acid, once poured on a dead body, it will completely destroy it, leaving no tracks. It has no effect on living or vampires, but it can destroy ghouls and prevent corpses to rise." he handed them three small sprays.

"And we come to the last piece, or, to be precise, the master-work. Your mean of transport."

"You told you've never given a car to me again, Q."

"Don't worry Bond, there's nothing in your vehicle that could resemble a car, this time."

**So Rip Van Winkle has a sister. Want to know more? Don't worry, she'll show up during this fiction. And if you've seen all Bond movies, you could even have a clue ****about her. **


	3. Vampires are Forever

**A note from the Author: Every geographical reference in here is completely invented. The places i mention actually exist, but i've never been in any of the locations mentioned here. So i'll work with fanatsy.**

"Where is that number? Fuck, Luke, where is that number?"

"Calm down, Jan, it's not so tragic."

"Not so tragic? That lunatic has attacked me with a knife!"

"That's what I'd want to to do 365 days a year."

"Who cares about that! I'm going to call that fucking Montana Jones and...."

"It's Montana _Max_. And there's no need to bother the superiors, i'm sure there's just been a misunderstanding."

"She tried to cut me! Look!"

The wound on Jan's hand, assuming it had ever existed, was already regenerated.

"Stop it, Jan. Let's just open he door and...."

"No way! We remain in here until I've called the boss."

Luke opened the bathroom door anyway. Rip was sitting in a corner humming and assembling a rifle with the pieces she had in her baggage.

"Hehm... miss.... Van Winkle...."

"Vhat? Oh hallo. I vas preparing my veapon, just in case."

"My brother is... a bit shaken for...."  
"I'm not fucking _shaken_! I'm pissed off as..."

"Precisely. You know because you.... you have..."

"Oh, I didn't mean any harm. I just vanted to.... to...."

"No problem, i'm sure everything is going to be fine. Right, Jan?"

"Fine my ass!"

"Well. My brother's a bit...."  
"No problem, I like his attitude. He reminds me a lot of my little sister."

"WHAT? I look like a _little sister?!_"

"Jan, shut up."  
"Now, i'm really thirsty. Do you know a place around here vhere ve could drink something?"  
"I'm not fucking going anywhere with...."  
"Fine Jan. Then we're going, you're staying. Okay?"

"Bah. Suit yourselves. At least now the bathroom is free."  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"You promised you'd have some new means of transport. These are coffins."

"Precisely, Alucard. Coffins. The best mean to move vampires around watery spaces. We have solved the problem of their.... difficulty of transportation together with their vulnerability."

"Are you implying _you put your hands inside my coffin?_"

"It was Integra's order. And I and Q have also modified miss Victoria's and mister Bond's coffins,of course."

"So what do they do now?"

Q opened Seras' one and pushed a small, concealed button in the cover. A code-lock came out.

"The current code for all of your coffins is 666. An easy one to remember. You should change it as soon as possible."

"And what does it do?"

"Try it yourself, Mr Alucard. You'll be surprised."

Alucard reluctantly typed the number of the beast. The padlock retracted and from the bottom of the coffin came out two paddles.

"Is it all?"

"Patience, please."

Two wings emerged out of the sides, with their miniaturized turbines, while a machine gun was assembling itself on the head end of the coffin. Lastly, the controls sprung up from the inside.

"This" started Q "Is the model 2.0 vampire secret operations transportation device. Reaches a speed of 230 km/h, can fly for two hours at medium speed without need for a refill, the attached minigun fires custom anti-freak bullets with a fire rate of 100 in a minute and 200 shells per magazine. The device weights only 300 kg and can be carried with ease by its owner."

Alucard was staring wild-eyedly.

"My... poor....coffin!"

"I would suggest everyone to leave the room immediately." said, calmly, Walter.

Two seconds later, Alucard started to scream.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Walter, since early this morning i've been hearing strange noises."

"It's just Alucard. I think he's a bit shaken because of his coffin."

"But that was six hours ago! Is he still screaming down there?"

"Apparently, ma'am."

"Well, sooner or later he _has _to tire of that."

"Assuming he does tire at all."

"Sigh. What did M say about the order of the missions?"

"She suggests to start from the Bahamas one."

"Well, I guess she's the expert about this. Only that I don't feel like telling Alucard he's going to a place called Anderson while he's in this state."

"So what do you think we should do?"

"What do _you_ think, Walter?"

"I'd trust miss M's judgement. Besides, that base appears to be the centre of their trades. Destroying it would make any other operation easier."

"I see. Did the anti-espionage section bring any news lately?"

"Not at all. It seems none of their agents is currently on English grounds."

"I hope they're right. I have a sensation there might be a traitor even in this organization."

"Sir Integra, you must admit that's impossible."

"You're right. I'm just being paranoid, am I not?"

Integra returned to watch the paperwork on her desk, without noticing the faint grin on Walter's face as he walked away.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"_Submarines 3,4 and 6 are to leave the embark area immediately. I repeat, submarines 3, 4 and 6 are to leave the embark area immediately."_

The basin of the underwater Millennium Secret base was filled with activity, people running around pushing carts and soldiers patrolling. Three small submarines were completely obstructing the entrance while the useless messages of the loudspeakers started to sound more as pleas than communications.

"Zhis just can't be possible!" Dok was barking at a sergeant "It's been like zhis the vhole day! How can ve have zhe whole base blocked by zhree damn subs?!"

"I can't do anything boss. They're just stuck."

"Vhat do you mean by _stuck_? Just pull zhem out!"

"Hey! That ain't easy! Can you try to pull some tons of submarine out of there? We're trying!"  
"Ve have zhe _crane!_ Vhy von't you use zhat?"  
"Well.... there's a bit of a problem....."  
"Vhat?"

"Well.... the crane isn't working, we have broken some important gear."

"Zhis can't be."

"It can. Oh, and since you're here, they told me to report there's a slight problem with the flood valves in sector 3b."  
"Vhat kind of problem?"

"They don't know, they thought it was the flood valves because the whole sector is flooded."

"Is zhere anything vich vorks in zhis base?"

"Not that i'm aware of."

"Enough. I'm going back to my lab. If I don't find zhose subs removed vhen i'm back, some of you vill became test subjects. Understood?"

"Aye. Oh, and about your lab...."

"Vhat?"

"I think i've accidentally crushed the padlock this morning."

"Vhat have I done vrong? Vhat!? VHAT!?"

"Uh... Sir.... I think you're bumping your head on the alarm button."

"And vhy isn't zhe alarm sounding, zhen?"

"I dunno. It's probaly some problem in the main system. You know, a wire out of its place or something like that...."

Dok started to bump his head near the alarm button.

The alarm rang.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alucard, Seras and Bond had been called in the briefing room. Integra and M looked hatefully at each other from behind the desk, Seras looked stupidly happy, Bond looked he was having fun and Alucard looked worn out.

"Very well agents, now you have the equipment, you have the means of transport, you are ready to the first mission of the Hellsing-MI6..."

"...MI6-Hellsing, you mean."

"Anyway. We have decided to send you first on the apparent main smuggling post of our enemies, a village in an island of the Bahamas called Anderson."

"Anderson?"

"Quite a coincidence, isn't it Alucard? Anyway, you'll travel there on a plane, disguised as tourists. The coffins will travel with you, marked as diplomatic secret material."

"Thank to MI6 contacts you won't have to go through bureaucratic formalities and will be allowed to carry your equipment with you. All weapons and suspect gear will wait in your coffins and you'll get them at your arrival."

"It's imperative that you aren't detected before tracking their position. Therefore, you will have to change disguises once you arrive. During the travel, Seras and Bond will be in the coffins, to avoid the risks of crossing the sea, and you, Alucard, will be Aristoteles Lamia, a Grecian businessman interested in building an hotel in the region. Once you're there, you'll receive instructions about your new names and identities."

"Your mission will be to find the main SPECTRE or Millennium base in the area and destroy it; you will also have to find and interrogate whoever is in charge there.

"So.... shall we start? I'm eager of spread destruction!"

"Sir Integra, I think your agent hasn't properly understood the meaning of a _secret _mission."

"I can assure you, he'll get the job done. The only risk is that he spreads a bit too much blood."

"Don't worry, Integra, I won't. I promise to drink it to the last drop!"

"In case you didn't understand this on your own, you're dismissed."

"And why should I leave?"

"Because you don't want mister Bond to be too long alone with Seras, I guess."

Alucard looked around and phased at amazing speed. Walter came in with a tray of tea.

"I thought you might be thirsty, madams."


	4. You Only Undie Twice

**Not a good chapter, i'm a bitdown on inspiration. Anyway i wanted to finish this part before starting to think about the Christmas spacial.... That's right, there will be a Hellsing Christmas Special! HOOORAY!**

"_Passengers of flight 3321 to Anderson, Bahamas, the pilot is speaking. We remind you to fasten seat belts and wish you to enjoy the flight. For any request, don't hesitate to call a hostess."_

"Sir, you must fasten your belt."

The passenger looked at the hostess with an annoyed gaze.

"I don't see the need to."  
"It's a safety measure. Please, sir."

That man had something strange. He was wearing round sunglasses, a grey suit and white gloves. His long black hair created an odd contrast with his pale skin.

"I don't see why should I. Aren't your planes supposed to be safe?"  
"Sure, sir, they are, but...."  
"Trust me, there's no problem. No problem at all."

"Oh...."

The hostess walked away. Alucard heard the engines igniting and closed the window's curtain, relaxing on the seat. Ten hours of travel, all day long. The perfect time for resting.

________________________________________________________________________________

"Hurry John! Damn you, hurry! We have to ship everything before they arrive!"

"Calm down, we have five hours."

"And we also have tons of crates to go! We can't afford a delay!"  
"There's no problem, just take it easy."  
"No way! What if mister Alhambra knew we're being late on the schedule?"

"What, you're scared of that dandy? He couldn't even beat a bunny with those pathetic cards!"

A splash of blood erupted from John's neck as a playing card crossed it.

"It seems a bunny has more chances than you, Mister John Calhoun." the Dandy-man walked over the dead body of the worker and retrieved his card, an ace of spades. "And it definitely has more brain. You have four hours to make every single shipment leave."

"But.... mister Alhambra.... we can't... it's too little time!"

"No problem. You can take more time. You'll just have to do that under Alucard's eyes."

"I... will try in four hours, sir."

"Very good. If anyone is looking for me, i'm at the hotel's casino."  
________________________________________________________________________________

"Yessir. No sir. Of course sir. Immediately." Luke hung up the phone. "We have our instructions."

"It was fuckin' time! I was wondering if they had recruited us to stay here doing nothing!"

"I vas just vaiting for some action. Vhat do ve have to do?"  
"We need to break in the Hellsing Manor and retrieve anything intersting or useful."

"And rape everyone inside?!"

"Precisely. We have to leave no one alive."

"This is just vhat I vanted! A good shootout!"

"But... why does that Indiana Max want us to snoop around? If we're there, we can just beat the crap out of the lady bitch Hellsing herself."

"Listen, that's what they said to me. I don't know what are we really going to face."

"Oh. Are we taking the heavy set of gear?"

"But we have only one set of guns..."  
"I know, it just sounded professional to say that. Let's go and rape! YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Is he alvays like that?"

"Worse, at times."

"Vell, I must reconsider, he doesn't look at all like my little sister."

"So.... is your sister... a vampire too?"

"No. But she ended inside the plans of a crazy man trying to destroy the vorld to create a perfect race to repopulate it."

"Now that's really crazy."

"Vell, it's not like destroying the vorld is really bad, but you have to do it in a good vay... like starting a var..."  
"Which is what you Millennium plan to do..."

"Ja. But I don't know the whole plans, just that Hellsingers are the only obstacle."  
"What the fuck are you two waiting for? I can't wait to start the carnage!" Jan was carrying his machine guns waving them in the air like they weighted nothing.

"We'll have to go by night, Jan."  
"What? Why?!"  
"Because of the orders."  
"And are we going to wait two more hours here?"

"No, you can go wherever you wish, possibly far from here!"

"Fine! Perfect! You and the psycho girl can wait here! I'm going to have some fun! We'll meet there!"

Jan dropped the guns and went out slamming the door.

Then he opened it again.

"Hem... I said 'there'... but where is it precisely?"

"Just come here, we'll get there together."

"Good. Bye bye." He slammed the door again, causing a little earthquake.

"Is this vhat you meant for 'vorse'?"  
"I wish it was. He can get much worse that this."

"You seem to argue all the time!" She said, smiling.

"I know, but after all we like each other. It's just that.... we're very different."

"Anyvay he's really fun to listen. The vay he speaks at you above all."

"Ehm... yes..... but.... you know, he's just...."

"Vhat?"

"Nothing...." Luke retreated, feeling stupid. He didn't even know what was he precisely about to say.

"You look a bit strange sometimes, you know?"

"Really? Like... what?"

"It's just that I don't like normal persons, I guess."

Rip laughed; as she moved her head the anti-gravity tuft of her hair moved, challenging any law of physics.

"So... you think i'm a... hm..."

"Interesting person? Ja."

"I... hum...."

The door banged open, Jan ran in.

"I've forgotten to take my wallet...."

He saw Rip and Luke, who were _very _close.

"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

________________________________________________________________________________

"The Golden Palmas hotel welcomes you, mister Lamia. Might I see your reservation, please?"

"Here it is. I have booked a three-beds suite."

"Very good. Everything is in order. When your friends will arrive, i'll send them right up to the suite."

"They have already arrived."

"Forgive me, where? I can't see them."  
"Right here. _They are right here. See?_"

"Oh.......... sure. How could I have not noticed them sooner? I will send someone for the baggage."

Aristoteles Lamia walked to the elevator while a group of baggage boys was struggling to carry the three huge crates which constituted his luggage.

"So, fledglings, how has the trouble been?"

"Worst of my whole entire life!" yelled Seras, stretching and adjusting her uniform.

"I think Goldfinger has been more kind on me than your master."

"Bah. These new generations have no spine. Now, how are they supposed to tell us the new identities?"

Alucard seemed to feel something. He grabbed both guns and started pointing them around hysterically.

"What happens, Mastah?"

"I feel something tickling me! Something near!"

"What?"

"Like a vibration!"

Bond rolled close to Alucard, immobilized his left arm and put his hand in the No-Life-King's pocket.

"A vibration, eh? It's the cell phone."

"Oh..................." Alucard's eyes glowed of a red, evil glitter while Bond opened the phone.

"This is Bond. James Bond. Oh, sure, i'll put you through him."

He leaned the phone to Alucard.

"This is Integra, here. Everything in order there?"

"Everything, my Master. So, what are our new identities?"

"Look under the bed, you'll find three packs, with the clothes for each of you."

Seras leaned down to take them, four eyes stared at her posterior.

"Now, you'll be a couple of tourists, mister and miss Armstrong, and..."

"Integra, there's a mistake here, i'm afraid" said Alucard, taking out of his pack a skirt.

"If you'd let me finish, Alucard, mister and miss Armstrong with their lovable 13 years old daughter Christine."

"NOT AGAIN! PLEASE!"

"Your punishment is not yet over, servant. You will do what I say."

"I WILL DO ANYTHING! ANYTHING! BUT PLEASE NO!"

"Quit it."

"I promise! I will light your cigars! I will do your paperwork! I will clean your rubbish bin! I will play in your sado..."

"ALUCARD! Stop it!"

"Can we be intercepted?"

"Not by our enemies, but maybe by M."  
"Oh, but no one can have understood. Right friends?"

Seras was staring, dazed, she probably had genuinely not understood a thing. Bond cleaned some imaginative dust off his perfect white shirt. "Now, that explains the things I found in her drawers..."

"Damn you! Now everyone will have heard.... GET THOSE GODDAMN CLOTHES ON AND GET TO WORK! The instructions are in 007's pack. Over and close."

Integra hung the phone.

"Waaaaaaaaaaalter!"

"I'm here, ma'am."

"You are here too soon. Lately it seems you have this habit of being _always behind my door."_

"It's a matter of efficiency, sir Integra."

"And you've heard nothing, of course."

"Of course. Oh, and I have heard the new Hellsing-MI6 section will have also dog units."

"And then?"

"In case i'll be needing a leash, can I borrow one of yours?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

**Naughty Integra..... and maybe someone can have already understood something about Rip's sister.... hmmm....**


	5. Undead Daylights

_Anderson, Bahamas, Thousand-Years Hotel construction site, 1999_

Being on guard duty while everyone else around has no other occupation than going to the beach and having fun is a terrible sorrow. Especially when you have to wear your black uniform with a summer tropical temperature. Mosquitoes where all around in the air and the sea was an inviting yet unreachable heaven.

A little, pale girl was passing by, looking a bit lost. The guard was half worried for her, and half hoping she'd have been a diversion.

"Are you lost girl? Where are your parents?"

"I don't know, sir, I can't find them.... can you help me?"

The rules for security guard duty were strict, and they didn't allow to abandon the post for a second..... but an exception could've been made for a little girl.....

"Where did you last see them?"

"In that alley over there...."

"Ok, i'll give you a hand... after all nothing ever happens around here...."

They both entered the alley; after a few seconds and a noise that could resemble a neck being broken, a tall, pale man came out in the guard's uniform and wearing sunglasses.

_I just hope Bond and Seras are doing their part- _he thought.

_______________________________________________________________________________

"Ok, there's something wrong here. There's something totally wrong."

"It might sound strange, Jan, but I agree."

"Just vhere has everyone gone?"

Jan lowered his guns and looked around "Okay, when we found no guards outside, we thought they'd have been in the courtyard. When we crossed the courtyard like nothing, we thought they were barricading inside. When we found the FUCKING DOOR OPEN AND NO ONE INSIDE, we thought they were in the meeting room. AND NOW WE'RE HERE AND WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?!"

Luke lit a cigarette and fell sitting on one of the round table chairs. "There has to be an explanation."

"Vaht if they knew of our incursion and ran avay before?"

"That's not the way of Hellsing, i'm sure. They would stand here and fight even if we outnumbered them of a thousand against one."

"Listen bro, when that Indiana Max gave you the address, are you sure you wrote it down right?"

"Yes. Didn't you notice the plaque on the gate? This is Hellsing mansion for sure."

"Ok, then where are they?"

"Vell, maybe this is vhy they said us to just find clues. Because they know there's no one left."

"And how are they supposed to know? We're their agents here."

"But anyvay there is no one, so better if ve start looking."

"Okay, okay...." Jan sat down and dropped hi feet on the table. "What about if I stay here and relax a bit and you two play this treasure hunt?"

"You're absolutely right, brother." said Luke.

"Absolutely!" confirmed Rip.

_______________________________________________________________________________

The Golden Palmas Hotel Casino, the right place for anyone willing to become rich, said the sign, and the best place to lose everything, said the guy Seras and Bond met while they were entering.

"I mean, he's just winning _everything_!"

"Who? Who are you talking about?" asked the agent.

"That guy in brown. The one with moustaches."

"Oh, I see." He took a look at his watch "I have just the time for a game of poker."

"You're mad, did anyone ever tall you?"

"Many did. No one is still in this world, though."  
The guy considered the answer for a few seconds then ran away.

"Why did you check the watch? We have all the time we need, don't we?" asked Seras. She was feeling terribly embarrassed; the assigned clothes for the mission were nothing but a bikini with bats drawn on it. Even though nearly every other girl in there was dressed the same way, she didn't feel very good about it. Bond was wearing a white shirt and jeans, but he probably would look cool even in a clown costume.

"I checked the watch to scan this all-winner. And he is undead."

"This means...."

"It means we're in the right place. So let's have a play with this unbeatable one."

"Huh... mister Bond.. I... well.." the vampire girl was a bit troubled.

"What is that?"

"I can't play poker."

"Don't worry, i'll teach you. It's very easy. The first thing is to look straight in your opponent's eyes..."

He looked in Seras' eyes, while holding her hands

"...then you have to understand everything about them, to know them completely, to penetrete their minds...."

he was dragging her closer and closer, Seras blushed bud did nothing.

"And them bluffing, making them do what you want... forcing them to let you win......"

His body was the cold one of an undead, but Seras felt nevertheless hot around her.... she felt so embarrassed, knowing that people were looking at them, but she didn't want him to stop.... they were so close....

"the cards are just there to distract you... you have to feel your adversary.... yeas... it's a matter of feeling..." his lips were already running on her cheek, reaching for her mouth, when someone tapped on 007's shoulder.

"Mister... Armstrong, if I am not mistaken. I heard you were looking for a proper game."

Bond slowly turned around, already knowing who had it been. The unbeatable player. The Millennium agent. He had a strange accent, Brazilian probably, and an unfriendly grin.

"My name is Tubalcaine Alhambra, but they call me the Dandy. I have heard you're a...really good player."

"And who might have told you that?"  
"Voices run around, mister Armstrong. I just am very.... careful in listening to them."

"So, what are you going to gamble? I am fond of high stakes."

"So am I, mister Armstrong. So am I."

______________________________________________________________________________

After running through the whole manor twice, Jan started to think Rip and Luke had just left him there and gone anway. There was no sign of anyone around, no noises, no voices, nothing.

While he was crossing a corridor on teh second floor, he thought he heard something downstairs. A few seconds later he heard it again, it was the sound of a vacuum cleaner.

He ran down the stairs looking for the source of the noise and found a locked door. Few minutes before, the last time he had gone through it, it was open.

"Anyone there?"

"Nobody at all."

"Oh, we have someone believe he's funny! Well, i'm gonna bash this door open and rape you, how does that feel?" Jan kicked the door that seemed very, very determined not to leave its place.

"Pathetic. That is a reinforced steel-silver Hellsing special door. Unbreakable. But I don't see why should we bother each other, i'm just here to clean the place."

"And i'm just here to rape you, that's what i'm here for!"

"No, you are here to collect information. And it would be good for you to check under the pillow in the bed of the second room on the left in the upper right corridor."

"What?"

"Just do it."

"Hey, who the hell are you?"

"Must I tell you again? I'm the one who cleans the place."

"Ok, ok, mister cleaner, butler or whatever, i'll check."

"Very smart of yours."

_Now, upper left corridor, second room on the left... no, wait... upper right, second on the.... hm.... no.. third on the right? Which one was it?_

"Fuck fuck FUCK!" he screamed

_Now. Upper right. Second left. Pillow. Good. This was it. And Luke says swearing is good for nothing. _

Jan entered the second door on the left of the upper right corridor.

Then looked inside. Then rubbed his eyes. Then looked again.

No. That wasn't an hallucination.

"Have you ever considered knocking before opening a door, Jan?"

"But... you.... you weren't supposed... to...."

"Ve vere doing nothing vrong, just.... discussing vhere to look."  
"Yes, that's it, we were discussing."

"Oh.... I get it.... discussing... I didn't remember discussion took physical contact..."

"Vhat physical contact? Ve vere holding our hands, nothing else..."

_Luck Jan didn't show up thirty seconds later, _thought the two of them

"Ok. Ok. No problem. Tomorrow we'll have a good, long discussion, brother. Now, we must do what we came from and discover the arcane."

"Good idea. Just do it Out Of This Room."

"No, it's right here. Look, hocus pocus, alakazam, the clue is.... here." he searched under the pillow.

"Hum.... it was supposed to be her, at least.... damn... where the fuck is it?!"

"If you're talking about that paper with an address, we've taken it already. We did search the room, you know."

"Brother, i'm telling this with all of my heart, fuck you."

______________________________________________________________________________

"No, ve're not leaving until we know vho is he."

"Please, Lieutenant, i'm not allowed to say anything about our allies....."

"Maybe you've not understood. I am and the captain here vant to know vho that man is. Right, Hans?"

The werewolf nodded yes, while thinking of a lot of places where would he rather be.

".... so YOU, a simple soldier, are supposed to tell us. Understood?"

"The Major has ordered to....."

"JUST TELL US!"

The captain felt sympathy for that poor low-rank soldier.

"Okay.... easy sir... it's on the list... here.... that one is called Jaws."

"Jaws? Just Jaws?"

"Ja. Precisely. Just.... Jaws."

"And the girl with him?"  
The soldier shown the list to Zorin. She run through the pictures until she found the right one. When she saw the name, she gulped.

"Seen it Hans? That's.... well, we meet her at last.... a shame Rip isn't here....."

Right then, being there was absolutely the last thing Rip was thinking about.


	6. Casinò Vampire

**I hope i din't mess the Poker part too much... I haven't been playing for AGES.... But anyway, we finally see some violence... and some fan-service too.  
**

That was going to be a day to be remembered, at the Golden Palmas Hotel. An amount of money sufficient to buy the whole Hellsing Manor was on the table. Six persons were disputing it.

Four of them were men.

The others were undead.

In the first three games the four had lost more or less three quarters of the whole amount, which was now distributed equally between the two.

The Dandy looked at his opponent above the full he was holding in his hand.

007 looked at the Dandy above his pair of jacks.

Since all of vampires have a sharp sense for other people's emotions, bluffing in a vampire play is a mental arm-wrestling, and it can go on for a very long while.

"I add 2000$." said Bond.  
"I pass." the man beside 007 threw his cards on the table.

"Me too. This thing is beginning to be boring."

"I agree."

Three had passed, Tubalcaine's turn.

"Such.... cowardly players. I add 2000 more."  
"I think you already understood that I pass." said the last human player.

"And now, mister Armstrong?"

"I add 1000$."

"Getting more prudent? I add 3000$."  
Through the cameras in the watches Integra saw her pension funds being put at stake. _I'm probably never going to live long enough to use them anyway, _she thought.

"I add 5000$."

For a few, endless seconds, the Dandy waited, grinning.

"10000."  
_If Millennium can afford all that money for the Dandy I should ask for a rise, _thought someone in the MI6-Hellsing HQ.

The quantity of fiches in Bond's hands was depleting. He took a deep breath, before remembering he didn't have to breath any more, and looked straight in Tubalcaine's eyes.

"15000."

Pip saw his salary being torn apart.

A few sweat drops started to appear on Tubalcaine's forehead.

"This is getting interesting.... I add.... information worth at least 50000$."

_This is it,_ thought Bond, _he's a real player. He knows what will make the game really worth it._

"And how much do you think the position of my agency's headquarters is worth?" he said.

Everyone that was listening held their breath.

"I'll consider it a rise, mister Armstrong. And i'll see you."

In a second, Hellsing was the poorest and less secret agency in England.

"You'll never guess vho I met today!"

After the whole night on the mission, even Zorin's voice in the cell phone seemed relaxing.

"...the man of your life?" she answered, yawning.

"He must still be born. Nein, it's someone you know."

"Hm... let me think...."

"Think as much as you vish, you'll never guess." Zorin seemed unexpectedly joyful. It was one of the rare moments Rip could admit to herself their friendship. Usually it was just a constant exchange of friendly sarcasm.

"Is this a challenge?"she asked, well knowing Zorin would've accepted on the spot.

"Ja. If you can't guess it....hum.... you vill have to let yourself be seen by your hosts in topless..."

"NO VAY!"

"So you surrender?"

"NEIN! But if I guess it, you vill ask Schroedinger a date."

"Go on, you'll never guess it anyvay."

"It was my sister."

Before the communication was interrupted by statics, Rip heard the sound of a phone being crunched.

_Zooling is always so predictable, _she thought before falling asleep.

_______________________________________________________________________________

"NO, what i'm saying is that your so-called Top Agent has just lost my agency at poker!"

"Listen, it's a strategy. I hate to admit it, but he will sort this out."

"Oh, i'm SO trusting him! And will you say this to my mercenaries too? Or will your beloved MI6 pay them?"

"I said it's just a temporary situation...."

"IT'S A DESPERATE SITUATION! YOU UNDERSATND THAT HE LOST MY WHOLE..." Integra fell chocking, feeling for once sorry for all the cigars she smoked. "AS I WAS SAYING, YOUR DAMN AGENT ISN'T...."

"Well, and what is _your _agent doing, now? I don't recall ever receiving a report!"

"Alucard knows what is he doing! And he hasn't lost a thing yet, if i'm not mistaken."

"Please ladies" Walter had appeared from nowhere, holding a tray "I think a good tea could settle things."

Integra and M kept scowling at each other.

On Integra's desk, a led started to flash.

"Alucard is reporting!"

"Turn it on, quick!"

"_Hm... is this thing on? Can you hear me, Master?_"

"We hear you well, Alucard. Anything to report?"

"_They haven't got a single useful thing here! No weapons, no secret plans, no vampires, it seems they're just building an hotel."_

"Damn. We well know that they are here, if there's that Alhambra...."

"_So can I start shooting, Master?"_

"You just said there are no enemies! You can't just open fire on innocent people!"

The vampire sounded really caught off guard. "_Why not?"  
_Integra leaned down on the microphone, lowering the communication's volume.

"Servant, if you make me feel ashamed before M, I swear you'll never be able to pee standing for the rest of your unlife. Clear?"

"_Crystalline, Master."_

"So have you discovered anything?" she asked again, rising the volume.

"_I've just discovered there's someone here who is.... acting suspiciously. I'll keep you informed."_

_More than five centuries of existence and he still hasn't learned to lie decently, _thought Integra.

_____________________________________________________________________________

"Don't worry, i's all part of the plan." whispered Bond in Seras' ear.

"But aren't we following our enemy where he wants us to go? We're walking in a trap!"

"I said don't worry. The enemies won't expect for us to fall in trap, and this way we will surprise them."

"Oh.... clever...."

"It's just experience."

The Dandy had ordered them to follow him without being noticed, and specifying of course that they were being watched. Anyway Alhambra had in his hand the briefcase with the won money, and watched or not they had to follow him.

He entered a hut at the village's periphery. As the two agents were inside, they realized it was an elevator.

Through glassy windows they saw an immense underground base, completely empty. It was a single room, a hundred meters wide and at least fifty high. Elevators connected the various catwalks all around the inner perimeter. Everything seemed new, but abandoned, like whoever used to dwell there had just ran away, bringing their stuff with themselves. The walls were metal plated, the floor littered with various rubbish and trash. It probably used to be a huge storage. On one side, a tunnel was carved into the rock, heading above. As an unmistakable trademark, in the centre of the cylinder-shaped room a huge swastika was painted on the ground.

"So here we are, mister Armstrong, or do you prefer Bond?" Said the Dandy, as they reached the pit's bottom.

"It doesn't matter. After all, who listens do names spoken by a dead man?"

"Very, very brave. Although.... you are as dead as me, now, aren't you? And you will be much more after i'm done!" He took a set of cards out of his sleeve.

"Are you asking for a rematch?"

"Yes, but this time.... with my rules!"

He threw a card to 007. The agent rolled on his side, taking out the concealed gun. With a few shots, he stopped a salvo of cards.

The Dandy jumped, bombarding the elevator's tube base; a rain of glass fell on Seras.

The police girl mentally cures that scanty clothes; she had but one place to hid her reduced gun, and it wasn't somewhere she'd have wanted to put her hands while someone could see her. Reluctantly, she pulled the device out from between her breasts and tried to remember how to open it.

A card hit her hand, making her lose the grip on the weapon.

She tried to lean and take it, only to be barraged again. She could barely survive while standing behind the toppled metal wardrobe she had chosen as a protection.

The dandy was distracted by a precise shot on his head, and Seras rolled on her side until she reached the gun. She pulled every side of the packet before succeeding in opening it. The feeling of metal in her hand encouraged her.

As Alhambra realized he had two sided to worry about, he jumped to the wall and ran vertically until the top of one of the elevators. The agents ran at it's feet, still shooting. When they were close enough, with another card the Dandy cut the rope of the elevator.

While the big metal and glass structure was falling like in slow motion towards her, Seas for a second thought it was all over.

______________________________________________________________________________

"Rip? Are you awake? There's a thing we have to discuss about the plan...."

Luke heard the sound of muffled footsteps in the girl's room.

"I'm coming, i'm coming..." said an exaggeratedly sleepy voice.

"Sorry to wake you up, but it's very important..."

The door slowly opened. Luke watched the Huntress for a second.

"Hm? Vhat is it?"

Luke was shivering, as he pointed a finger towards Rip.

"Hum... something... amiss?"

Luke fainted.

"Vhat? Vhat is it now?" she yawned, gaining enough conciousness to realize she was wearing nothing but her bra and panties.

Two seconds later, when she was concious enough to realize what could happen if Jan saw her that way, it was far too late.

**What can i say?  
I envy Luke. **


	7. Notlive and let die

It took a few seconds for Seras to realize she was still alive. The wrecked elevator had missed her for less than a meter.

"What a shame, it seemed... a good plan." said the Dandy, high above, with his usual grin.

Then his from his chest erupted a fountain of blood.

"Is it possible that I can't leave my fledgeling alone for a minute without them getting into trouble?"

"Master?"

Alucard phased into the room from the roof, gently gliding to the platform the Dandy was on.

"Ah, Alucard at last" Alhambra bowed to him "I finally get to make your acquaintance."

"And i'm afraid it will be a really short relationship. Come on, show me what you've got!"

A thousand cards ripped the No Life King apart in the blink of an eye. The Dandy laughed, pleased.

"What a disappointment, Nosferatu Alucard. I was expecting more of a fight."

"Well, you just found it!" 007 opened fire.

His gun's whole magazine was already consumed before the other could react, and when he did the blood running over his eyes was too much for him to see. Then Seras came in. another blast, another late and imprecise reaction. Sweat-drops mixed with the blood pouring from the wounds enveloped the Dandy's face, but still he didn't give up. Magic cards flew all around, blind shots with little chance of succeeding.

"You won't have me, Hellsing lapdogs! No way!"

For a short, interminable time it seemed the war had stopped. Alhambra was standing, covered in his own blood, on the upper platform, Seras and Bond on the one below. Drops of blood were falling to the swastika at the bottom of the room.

"This was enough." The Dandy heard Alucard's voice terribly close, even though he couldn't see him "now it starts to get boring."

After an awful crunching noise, Tubalcaine Alhambra's head flew spinning over his body, spreading blood all around. The laughing No Life King was the last thing those eyes saw while they died in that last flight.

"Now, fledgelings, drink his blood."

"What? Master..."

"You heard me, Seras Victoria, James Bond, drink his blood."  
______________________________________________________________________

"Mein herren, , ve've just lost contact vith agent Alhambra."

"Ja, as I expected. He fulfilled his task. Ve now have a clear image of our enemies' real strength. Now, call me mister Blofeld, please."

"Jawhol."

The man in wheelchair entered the room short after, followed by the Persian cat and the cat-boy.

"You've finally arrived. Ve have some new particulars to discuss."

"Yes? What do you mean?"

"Zhis new agent you called here.... do you think he could stand a fight against a true undead?"

"Most certainly. Jaws has never disappointed me."

"And vhat about three undead vho just got one of my fighters?"

"We are speaking of someone who survived the explosion of a space station."

"Hm..... quite interesting..... if ve put his streanght together vith our own top agent.... it could mean zhe destruction of Hellsing und everything on our vay to Alucard.... togezhet, these two forces vill unleash zhe true essence of VAR, zhe ultimate veapon of...."

"I'm very sorry, but I have a quite urgent task to attend to...."

"Vhy now? I vas feeling so inspired....."

"Maybe another time, see you."

The wheelchair sprinted out of the office, quickly followed by the white cat.

"Varrant Officer Schroedinger! You vill stay here und hear my speech!"

"Huh... sorry Herr Major, but i've a date vith Zorin...."  
"VHAT? You asked her for a DATE?"

"No, she did, says she lost a bet....." =3

"Oh... I SAID STAY HERE!"

"But i'm everyvhere und novhere, I vill be here too! Bye bye Herr Fatty Major Sturmbaunfuhrer!"

The Major considered chasing Schro, but that was phisically impossible. Making the speech for himself wasn't worth it....he remained silent, thinking.

_A date vith Zorin. If Varrant Officer survives it, I guess he earns an iron cross at least. _

"Agent Alucard reporting, my Master."

"Alucard! What news?"

"The enemy is dead. The storehouse is empty. Mission succeeded."

"Perfect! Did you drink his blood?"

"No."

"And then did you question him?"

"No."

"And how the Hell are we supposed to gain any information from him?!"

"I'm waiting fro my fledgelings to drain him. Then they'll tell us."

"We don't have lots of time.... you should drink him right now and mind them later."

"No, master."

"No?!"

"No. You ordered me to search and destroy, and I did. But you also ordered me to tend to them, and I'm doing so."

"Is that your sense of duty, do you feel something for them or are you simply trying to drive me mad?"

"A bit of all of them, I guess. But don't worry, this won't take long."

"I do hope so. WALTEEER!"

As usual, the butler was inside before the A of his name.

"What is it sir Integra?"

"Go call M. Hellsing wins!"

"Rip? Are you listening?"

"NEIN!"

" Please, open the door, nothing is going to...."  
"Not until that pervert is OUT OF THIS HOUSE!"

Luke turned to Jan with his big-and-bad-brother gaze.

"I haven't done a thing, I fucking SWEAR!"

"Yes, the fact that you swear is the certainty of my life. BUT WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Nothing!!!!!"  
"Jan, I know you well enough. You and a girl in undies in the same house do not produce NOTHING."

"Hey, why should you believe her and not me? You've been knowing me much longer, am I wrong?"

"That's why I'm sure it's your fault. Now speak. We were supposed to be heading for the mission at least a hour ago."

"What could I do if you were knocked out and she wouldn't listen to me?"

Luke would've blushed, if he wasn't red out of anger already.

"Now. Just go out, take a walk and don't return until you have a decent explanation."

"But...."

"No but. Go."

"Fine, fine, big brother, i'm going!"

"Finally. Now, Rip...."

"Is he out yet?"

The house door slammed as an answer. Luke immediately locked it.

"He's out and he can't enter unless I open. Now will you come out of there?"

"Okay... i'm coming...."

The seconds while the lock slided in its place lasted long for Luke. It wasn't easy to forget the last time that door opened....

This time Rip seemed more properly dressed. She was wearing a purple sweater, purple trouser and for no apparent reason, she held her umbrella.

"So, are you ok now?"

"Ja, I guess so.... and most important... he's out of the way now!"

She glomped Luke; he lost his balance and they rolled on the floor, laughing... Luke Valentine considered how interesting that girl's mood swings could be.

"Hm... Hey, Doc, I think we've established the connection."

"It vas about time! Let me call the Major!"

"All right, here ya go...." the technician handed Dok a microphone which probably had trespassed the bonds of "plastic repaired with tape" and joined the ranks of "tape with a plastic past".

"Herr Major? Can you hear me?"

"Yes, Doktor. How is zhe plan proceeding?"

"Ve're encountering some difficulties...."

"I hope nothing serious."

Dok kicked away a fish on the floor. The infiltration problem had at least the advantage that procured more fish that their automatic fishing machine.

"Nothing vich could compromise zhe mission... I hope."

"I'm not hearing you vell... is zhere some communication problem?"

"Nein, i'm sure...."

The rest of the phrase was lost in the explosion of the radio.

"...?"

"...!"

"..."

"...,"

"...!"

"...!"

"...?"

"..."

"..."

"...?"

"...!"

"..."

The Captain smiled. Jaws was the first person he had met in a long time he actually agreed with.


End file.
